Years ago, I noticed a fundamental change in etiquette in our country. At first, it was the little things like no thank-you notes for birthday and wedding gifts, or the lack of RSVP’s in a timely manner, or showing up late to an event that required punctuality. It was more obvious for me since my life revolved around the very traditional world of the military. I imagine the decline of etiquette in the civilian world was less noticeable. Yet, the decline had begun, and I’m sure Dear Abby didn’t know what to do with this realization. For there was a time when people like you and I would seek her advice on how to gracefully say no to an invitation or how to invite three sets of parents to a wedding properly.
Fifty years ago in America, etiquette still had its place. Written invitations were sent through the mail, thank-you notes followed the receipt of a gift, and RSVPs were strictly adhered to. I believe this was because people were kinder and less self-absorbed in their own lives. Now, Now. Don’t get your panties in a wad. Just think back beyond twenty years about your own life. Back then, did you write thank- you notes or call to thank someone? Did you properly seat your boss at the head of the table or follow up an interview with a thank-you note? Did you think about others before you thought about yourself?
I remember the first time I had that ah-ha moment, when I knew a complete shift had happened, that etiquette skipped town. I had sent invitations to the spouses of my husband’s military unit to attend a Fall Gathering. There were over 50 invitations, and by the RSVP date, only a handful of spouses had responded. I was sweating bullets trying to decide whether to cancel or have the event and hope others would show up. I was frustrated and reached out to another spouse for guidance. I was told that this generation does not look at themselves as part of the military community; they have their own careers and do not think it is in poor taste to ignore your invitation. I was stunned! How could this be? When I had married my “enlisted” husband, and got an invitation to the Commanding Officer’s residence, you’d better believe I would be there to support my husband. It looked poorly on him and made me look even worse. . . like I didn’t understand proper etiquette! Besides, it was always fun and informative when I went. Ironically, twenty other women showed up on the day of my event. Thankfully, I had gone ahead with food preparations for half the invited guests. And they had a great time. So much so, that they bragged about it to all the spouses who had not shown up. But that’s when I realized that “etiquette” had changed.
Flash forward to today. I live in an amazing community in Arizona with a small-town feel, lots of people, and things to do. But what it lacked was a way for newcomers to assimilate into the culture. So, I “accidentally” started a social group in hopes of meeting 10-15 women I could do things with during the day. Ladies came out of the woodwork, responding to my post asking to meet new friends. As a matter of fact, 156 women all answered me wanting to be my friend. Again, stunned! But I put the ladies into groups of 15 and sent them on their way to become friends. The only rules were that they had to be nice to each other, no politics or religion, and they had to meet once a month on the same day of the week and month. Everyone was excited to have their groups . . . but then they didn’t show up! Someone would go through a lot of trouble to plan an event or host in their home, and these ladies, who were so excited, failed to show up! Now here’s the thing: these ladies are not the “new generation.” These ladies grew up in the world of Dear Abby, thank-you notes, and RSVPs. Yet, they fail to commit time and time again. And these groups? Well, they are falling apart and reaching out to me to fix them.
But here’s the reality of what is truly happening. Somehow, over the years, it has become acceptable to behave in this manner. It’s okay to RSVP “yes” and then not show up because you didn’t feel like it. It’s okay to commit to a charity, and then back out because it might inconvenience you for an hour longer than you expected. It’s okay to say you are going to do something and then not. It’s okay to get a costly wedding gift and then never tell the gift giver you received it. It’s OKAY to inconvenience others. Period.
We, as a society, have come to accept bad behavior and bad etiquette. Why? Because we are too self-absorbed to think about anyone else besides ourselves and those in our little world. Will etiquette make a comeback? Who knows. But what I do know is, that if we don’t start thinking about others before ourselves, it’s not going to show itself for a very long time. And as hard as it is to be optimistic for the future, it’s less hard to believe that gone is the etiquette of yesteryear.
